Substitution
by KyoKyo866
Summary: Being in a world of his own, Alex and his pet rooster go amongst their day to day lives with misadventures with the strange and bitter people who surround them. [2Ptalia]
"Alex?"

"Yo, wassup mom."

Oliver's nose scrunched at the word, knowing he probably should have been used to it by now but it always somehow threw him off. He sighed; leaning against the door while with the brunette was busy on his laptop.

"Pumpkin, I told you not to call me that. If anything call me dad, or even that 'bro' you people tend to use."

"Mmm, yea nah. Anyway, whatcha want I'm busy with work."

Out of curiosity, Oliver stepped closer in the room, looking over Alex's shoulder to see what work he was actually doing.

"… You're just playing games on Neopets."

"Yea and? I'm still working. Jailbreak is the double score game of the day and I need to beat my record or I can't afford that new paintbrush from my Xweetok."

"…. I'm, sorry, what? That just…. What? Oh, nevermind." The blonde reached over, setting a hand on the computer screens edge. "I'm going to need you to step away from the computer for a while. You've been inside for the last few days; it's a beautiful day outside! You need some fresh air and exercise and- oW." Oliver pulled his hand back, Eegs having walked over from his cushion he was resting on to peck at his hand to take it off the screen. He rubbed it sorely, shooting a glance down at him before looking back at Alex.

"What could I even do out there that I can't do in here? And do I even need exercise? I'm like a pole."

"That's because your diets make you either starve yourself with malnutrition or the chemicals you drink shut your body down for a while and you reset. You know that isn't healthy for you!"

"And… since when did I care? It's not like I can die from it."

"Aba—tsk. This isn't the time to talk about this. But I need you to—tch, boy! Look at me at least!" Oliver huffed, reaching over and just pushing the screen down so the laptop closed. Alex gave out a shrill gasp, opening back up to see that the computer all ready had begun to fall asleep by the sudden lid movement.

"Mom, what the cat!? You're saying I should go outside but there's nothing to do! Don't just barge in here and—"

"Let me finish all ready." Oliver sighed with a roll of the eyes, lifting a foot up as Eegs walked by him just in case it tried to do anything. But instead of taking charge, he just walked up onto Alex's lap to sit on it. Thing was more like a lap dog than a rooster. "Look, I'm making an apple crisp for Louis. Poor dear's hit rock bottom… again. I know my crisp usually cheers him up at least to stop sleeping on the floor rather than his bed."

"Why not just let him do it? He's a grown man he can sleep on the floor if he wants."

"Not if the reason is that he thinks he doesn't deserve it. He needs a pick me up and my Mumsy's secret family recipe apple crisp should do the trick!" Oliver paused, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket. He handed it over, waiting for Alex to take it, but the other mostly just stared at it. "But I'm also busy with a roast today, we're having French dips as per little Mattie's request-"

"Do you have to call him that? Mattie sounds… weird on him. He's not a little kid."

"He will always be to me, and if you can call me mum then I can call your brother Mattie. Anyway, before you interrupt me again. I'm busy with the roast and some other things today; can you go to the store to pick up the ingredients for the apple crisp? I haven't gone proper grocery shopping yet and I'm just about out of everything."

Alex scrunched his nose a bit; obviously not really liking the job he was being offered.

"Let's see, go buy food stuff for you, or stay here and mind my own business? Hmm, well, I know what the obvious answer is." Alex turned a bit to try to open his laptop back up, but Oliver's hand was faster to grab the edge and shove it down.

"This isn't negotiable, Alex. You're going. You've been cooped up in here long enough."

"Why not Matt? He's also an able bodied fellow and even ten times more lazy than I am."

"Because he actually has a diplomacy meeting to get to, he's doing actual work unlike some people."

"… That just means he's going to go get high with his buddies, mom. That's what he always means by diplomacy meetings-"

" _You're going and that's final_."

The both of them stared off with each other for a while before finally Alex scoffed, yanking the paper out of his hands.

"Fine."

"Finally. Thank you. As a reward, you can have some of the apple crisp."

"Oh joy."

"And if there's any money left over from when you buy the ingredients, you can buy a treat for yourself."

Alex raised an eyebrow at this, humming in thought before he nodded. He opened his hands for the money, Oliver giving him a couple bills before heading to the door.

"And dear, please change into something other than that midriff and… booty shorts. You may be a grown man but you still need to have some decent modesty about your body."

"Sure thing."

With that, Oliver left with a chipper smile on his face, closing the door behind him.

"… _Not_." Alex crumpled the money in his hands before sticking it in his pocket. He lifted Eegs up to set aside, making him stand up to attention since Alex was getting on his feet too. He went over to grab the keys to his motorbike.

"Come on Eegs, we got some shopping to do. Load out."

With the audio cue, Eegs's feathers fluffed up just a bit before he went running out the door, making Alex laugh a bit before he followed.

It didn't take very long for the two of them to arrive at the usual grocery store, Alex parking in his usual spot. Since not many people rode motorbikes there, that area was usually free. Though he did have a side car attachment for Eegs, and whatever other things he was going to be carrying, it didn't take up too much room considering it was in a corner of a parking lot. It wasn't like many people were going to go there anyway.

He unbuckled his rooster and let him loose on the ground, Eegs walking around and pecking the ground in investigation of this new place. He took a small retractable dog leash from the side car compartment, clicking it onto Eegs's collar. By this point Alex had been here so many times that the staff just let him bring the chicken in, mostly under the guise that he was a service animal. No one really cared at this point; Eegs never really caused a mess. Just so long as they obeyed the leash law so Eegs wouldn't be let loose, they were fine.

As the two of them headed inside, Alex pulled out his list of ingredients.

"Tart apples, cinnamon, margarine, flour, sugar, lemon juice. … Wait, he said I was going to be eating this too, right? This is unacceptable this going against our diet, dude! We gotta make some substitutes." Alex rolled his eyes, sticking it back in his jacket pocket this time for easier access. "He's so insensitive, holy cowfish. He _knows_ I've been on my no-sweets diet for like, two weeks. Apples, cinnamon, sugar and lemon juice are totally off the list."

He hummed a bit to himself, how do you make a dessert not sweet? What could he put in there to get it to still be the dish but still follow his diet? He looked down to Eegs, very gently nudging him with his foot.

"Well, we might as well get the ingredients we can eat. We'll think of substitutes along the way."

With the nudge, there went Eegs to start walking around. Alex grabbed a shopping basket and just followed Eegs around to both keep an eye on him and to have direction since he didn't really feel like being straight forward about it. Though Eegs didn't really feel like going around the food section as much either, wandering around the gardening section instead.

"We can't eat flowers, little dude. Well, we _can_ , but not for this. I don't think he'd want me to put literal dirt in there." Alex paused at his own statement. Wait, why not? Dirt had an earthy taste, and mud pies were totally thing. That'd be the perfect replacement for sugar! He grinned as he tugged on the leash lightly, veering Eegs's course over so they could go by the bags of soil.

It didn't take him long to choose some orchid soil, figuring that's probably got to have a neat taste if it's just for flowers. Right in the basket it went. While Alex was still glancing around through the other soil options, Eegs was starting to get restless just standing there. So while he still had slack on his line, he wandered over to see what was in the other aisles nearby. It didn't take long for a shriek to be heard, Alex nearly dropping his basket in surprise. Seeing that the bird at the end of the line was out of sight, he followed it over, finding himself in the hardware section. And who was there but a very angry Italian with a rooster sitting in his shopping cart.

"You demon spawn of feathers and shit, get the fuck out of my cart!" Luciano seethed at Eegs, knowing better than to actually lift him up to throw him out if he didn't want claws in his face and a beak in his eye. Alex cracked a smile, laughing a bit as he approached the cart.

"Having some trouble getting my cock out of your hair there, Lucy?"

"It's Loo-chi-ah-no; you dumb shit, and get this filthy cock of yours out of my cart this instant, Jones!"

"Hey, hey now, I take pride in keeping my cock nice and clean. I don't gotta cart so he probably just wanted to take a ride in that one of yours so he doesn't have to walk so much. So what do ya think, _wanna give my cock a ride?_ "

"Piss up a rope, Jones."

Alex couldn't help but just laugh more, making the Italian just grind his teeth a bit. Since he was in public he couldn't do what he wanted and publicly execute the beast; he'd be kicked out for sure. But soon enough, Alex reached in to pluck Eegs out of the cart, setting him back on the ground and giving him a hearty pat or two. With the rooster out of the way, he could properly look inside the cart's contents.

"What have we here? Hammer, nails, duct tape, power drill. Hm. Building something?"

"Not exactly. Siegfried and I's anniversary is coming up and I decided to make things a bit more interesting this year."

It didn't take more than a moment and a half for it to it to click. Oh, that poor bastard.

"I'm taking a guess that the uh, vinegar you got in there has something to do with it too."

"Bingo, smartass. I figure since we're taking a bit up a notch as an experiment, might as well have something to take blood stains out of clothes should I get a little too rough." Luciano looked more than pleased with himself about all of this, making Alex gently nudge Eegs a couple steps away from the guy.

"Ooohkay, I'll just leave you to that. Have fun in your… kinky adventures. I'll be sure to send a cardboard cake in my regards to you both being a disgustingly happy couple for this long."

"Ah ha, aha ha ha. Ha. Don't you need to take your cock for a walk or something?"

"Yeaup. I'll get back to my baking. See ya Lucy Luwho."

Luciano bristled up at the name but just rolled his eyes, going back to looking at the screwdrivers. With a tug on the leash, off Alex went, glancing back at his basket of a bag of dirt before pulling out his list once more.

"Sugar substitute, got it. Best get cinnamon substitute before we go to get to the fruit substitutes. But, what could be a substitute?" He let Eegs take the reins again, wandering around the aisles aimlessly for the most part until Alex pulled him to a stop near the spices. He squinted at the cinnamon bottle, looking around it to see what could be used as a substitute. Cinnamon on its own was usually a little sweet, savory, a little spice and also just a bit nutty. With that in mind there were a few choices he had.

After looking over at the back of some bottles, he was torn between cumin and turmeric. One more spicyish and one that tasted like smoke. Hmm, though turmeric had orange and ginger zest in it, so that might taste better in comparison. Into the basket it went!

Since he was near the powders anyway, he also grabbed the flour and headed over to grab the margarine as well. Might as well get the normal ingredients that he didn't have an issue with. In the meanwhile, he thought about what he had to go after next.

Apples and lemon juice were last to grab. Apples, well those were easy, he would just put in potatoes! When peeled they kinda looked like apples, and in French those were called 'earth apples' so it'd be right up Louis's alley anyway! He made a side trip over to pick up a small bag of potatoes. Into the basket once more!

And now lastly, the lemon juice. Something sour and acidic, what could be something that's like that… but also cheap so he could buy himself something?

Vinegar! Of course!

With a bottle of white vinegar, he could surely seal the deal.

He tugged on Eegs's leash a little to get him going down the oils section. He glanced over his selection, his finger trailing over the shelf spines as he went.

"Olive, cooking, vegetable oil... hmm, but where is-" He paused, reaching the white vinegar mark but oddly enough, it was bare. That… was weird, it usually wasn't. He checked up and down that slot, along with treading down the aisle further for any sign of it. Eventually he tracked down a worker, well to be more precise he sicked Eegs in their direction and pecked their feet for attention.

"Hey uh, where's your white distilled vinegar?"

"Hm, well if there's none in there, we're probably sold out. Our last shipment of some goods was delayed. You can check back in a few days though."

Oooh no, this wasn't going to do at all. He needed this today! He frowned a bit, pulling on the leash a little so Eegs could come back over by him. Technically, he could just get the vinegar somewhere else, he had a motorbike. But let's see, didn't he see vinegar earlier today? It was in a place that it didn't belong, amongst a lot of metal—

Holy crab, Luciano grabbed the last bottle for his kink fest.

Obviously this was the nobler reason to use the vinegar. He needed it most.

With his motivation set, he turned on his heel to head into the hardware section again, though it was empty this time around. Damn! He must have moved! Hopefully he didn't check out all ready. How the heck was he going to find him so fast? At the sound of absent clucking though, he looked down to the still restless Eegs.

Perfect.

He kneeled down and unclicked his leash off from his collar, patting his vested back a bit.

"Go get Lucy, _geddit_."

With that, Eegs's wings went up, flapping once or twice before he went charging ahead. Alex quickly went after him, ignoring the stares he got as the rooster crowed as he went along. Soon enough near the kitchen supplies area, there was the sharply dressed Italian glancing over the cutlery. Perfect, he hadn't checked out yet!

Without missing a beat, Alex bent down to scoop Eegs up into his arm, pulling him back.

"YO LUCY. THINK FAST."

Luciano turned around in confusion, opening his mouth to once again correct the man on his name, but was instead suddenly shoved in the face with a mouthful of feathers. He once again shrieked, talons digging into his shirt and wings flapping against his head. While Luciano was obviously distracted, Alex ran over to pull out the bottle of vinegar, replacing it with a bottle of water he found along the way there. He wouldn't be able to tell the difference, right? Right.

With that out of the way, he could be the rescuer of this damsel in distress.

"Oh I'm soooo sorry; I dunno what came over me."

Once he took the rooster away from the other's face, Luciano was obviously not happy at all. Alex looked over him and to Eegs. He could just put down the chicken and walk away. _Put the chicken down and walk away._

"… So did you like my cock in your mouth?"

"JONSEY, I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH A KNIFE."

"Ooh, going right to it, ah? My cock that good?"

Luciano didn't hesitate a moment more to grab a frying pan from the shelf nearby, raising it up with the pure intent to smash his head in. That was obviously his cue to go. Sliding the slightly overweight rooster into his basket, off he ran away from the Italian, Luciano not going far before just giving up to go back to his cart.

Success!

With all of his strange ingredients, Alex went and purchased his items, grabbing some froufrou beverages from the health section as his dessert. Fuck his diet, health fruit drinks were the bomb.

Off he was back to get back home, but when he did arrive back home, it was strangely silent. He set his bag of ingredients on the side, setting his newly bought drinks in the fridge before pausing at seeing a note on it.

"Alex, I had to go run some errands. If you come back before I do, could you please make the apple crisp in my stead? The recipe is on the counter. Thank you very much. XOXOXO, dad."

Alex raised an eyebrow at it before he glanced over to his bag of ingredients. He smirked a bit leaning over back to turn the oven on to start preheating it. Oh yea, he could. He _definitely_ could.

Time passed on, mostly just an hour of his train wreck of a crisp. By some sheer miracle he managed to pull it together, but man it was an awful wreck. Luckily for him, Oliver kept around an apple cinnamon febreze to keep the home smelling fresh and sweet. But it didn't mistake the burning smell of all the strangeness in one container. He covered the pan in foil, huffing a bit as he took his apron off.

"Peaches peach~ I'm back—"

The call was cut short by the sound of sniffing, Alex quickly going to the front door to meet him.

"Hey there, just in time! I finished making the crisp; it's all good to go for Louis."

"… Yes I can… I can tell- is something burning?"

Alex side glanced away for a moment in thought. If he fessed up about this now, the now finished product would most likely never see the light of day. But perhaps if he passed it off quickly, it could be sent off to Louis. Man, that'd be hilarious.

"Oh uh, yea. While I was putting it in the oven, some of the liquidy mixture spilled. Burnt my hand a bit and some of the mix got on the rack below so uh… yea."

Oliver raised an eyebrow in a bit of suspicion, going over to the covered dish itself. Alex bit the inside of his cheek seeing Oliver peel the foil back a bit.

"…You've darn near burnt it all. Did you forget about it?"

"I, uh, no. I put the heat too high by accident, I misread your writing."

Oliver stared at him for a good while before sighing, putting the foil back down on the cover and pushing a smile up regardless.

"Well, off I go then. Feel free to order yourself something from the delivery menu since we'll probably chat a while." He moved the pan onto a towel to pick up, heading over and moving it to stabilize so he could pet Alex's shoulder. "Louis will know you tried. This will mean a lot to him."

Alex grinned as Oliver made it out the door, looking over as he got back in his car and drove off.

"Yea, I bet it will."


End file.
